Jessie's Girl
by MaidofShadow
Summary: "Tessa had gone and become smitten with a married man. Oh and it gets even better! Not just any married man but her best friend's husband. The man her best friend was in love with; the man her best friend had had a child with; the man her best friend had been with for years.Well, late best friend, but that made it even worse." Ryan/OC Rated T for character death, please click!
1. Prologue

**So I decided to write a Kevin Ryan/OC fanfic (even though I currently have a whole bunch of other mulichapter fics going, oops) because there aren't enough of these out there. I love Rysposito as much as the next person (maybe even more) but I decided Kevin needed some love. I like Lanie with Javi but I never really thought that Jenny was a good fit for Ryan. I didn't have the heart to make her a bad person though so I killed her (sorry!). Please enjoy this fic anyways and leave some reviews! I honestly don't know where this plot bunny came from so forgive me in advance. I know this chapter is short but I'll write chapter one and post it before doing my regular "more reviews mean more chapters" thing. Still, review if you can!**

**PS If you are not comfortable with the mention of same sex relationships or don't think that sexuality or what type of sexual orientation someone thinks they are can be fluid, then please leave. Thank you.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle.**

Prologue:

Tessa Harper was a horrible person.

She was 100% awful and another 50% terrible friend.

She couldn't believe herself. What was wrong with her?

Not only was she emotionally cheating on her girlfriend but she had gone and become smitten with a married man. Oh and it gets even better! Not just any married man but her _best friend's_ husband. The man her best friend was in love with; the man her best friend had had a child with; the man her best friend had been with for years.

Well, late best friend, but that made it even worse.

He had saved Tessa's life on multiple occasions and had been nothing but good and faithful to his wife and this was how Tessa repaid him? This was the way she honoured her best friend's memory?

No, she was 100% awful and another 50% terrible friend.

Tessa Harper was a horrible person.

And nothing would convince her otherwise.

**Love it? Hate it? PLEASE REVIEW! It would mean a lot to me. I know it's short (and rather confusing) but I'll write the next chapter and post it today or tomorrow so please hang in there with me and give me a chance. Tell me what you think and if I should continue!**

**Thanks,**

**~Liliana**


	2. Chapter 1

**Ok I wrote another chapter to get you up to speed. The next chapter will also be a catching up to the present kind of chapter explaining Jenny's death but after that it will all be about Kevin and Tessa (my OC). Please, please, please review and tell me what you think. It's really really important to me. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle.**

Chapter 1:

Tessa Harper had never been sure of much in life. Every month she decided that she wanted to major in a new subject, to get her "dream job" in a new career. Her mood was as constant as her fashion sense and she rearranged her room every other week, always growing tired of things that stayed the same for too long.

Despite that, Tessa had grown into herself and by the age of 27 she had a somewhat set path to follow and a constant sense of self. However, there were only 2 things that Tessa ever felt truly sure about and those were that: 1) Tessa was a lesbian and 2) Jenny Duffy-O'Malley was her best friend. They were facts that she had built herself around because they were certain. It was like saying that the sky was blue or the human body had bones inside. They were constant, hard, indisputable truths and nothing anyone said or did could change that.

Or so she thought.

Tessa had met Jenny in high school. Looking back, neither really remembered the exact date or what they'd been doing but somehow, someway they'd become friends. It hadn't been long before Tessa became attracted to the other girl and why shouldn't she have been? Jenny was smart, outrageous and beautiful. Sure, she could be shy and mild mannered at school but in reality Jenny was a party girl and Tessa spent many nights making out with her on the dance floor after they'd both had a little too much to drink.

Tessa knew that Jenny wasn't attracted to her and really, she didn't mind. When Jenny met her first serious boyfriend and stopped going to parties, Tessa had moved on. They never did stop being friends though and soon sloppy club kisses turned into warm hugs and laughing until their sides hurt. Their odd relationship became one of sisterly love and by the time they had graduated they were inseparable, closer than family.

By then Jenny had broken up with her boyfriend and gone back to partying but not as intensely as before. This time she focused on school too and only went home with men, knowing at least that much about herself. Tessa stopped partying all together and for a time she left, taking a year to go travel the world and "find herself". Even so, Jenny was still waiting when she got back and Tessa would never forget the night they had when she'd returned.

She'd been expecting the other girl to suggest they go out dancing or to a bar but instead they'd stayed in and eaten Tessa's favourite take out. They'd watched bad movies and talked until sunrise. By the time morning rolled around they were dancing and singing badly to old pop songs and laughing so hard that tears streamed down their faces. They'd ended the night by making a pact, each promising never to let anything get between them and since then they hadn't, at least not as long as Jenny lived.

At the age of 26 both girls met their long term partners, the people they'd thought were meant for them.

For Tessa that meant Jessica King, a high powered attorney with an impeccable sense of style. They'd met in the café Tessa was working at and after several days of Jessie coming in as a regular, she had asked Tessa out. Tessa had agreed and never looked back. At times she wondered how she had been able to catch the eye of the brown haired beauty. With her mocha coloured skin and lovely dark eyes, Jessie certainly wasn't lacking in the looks department and considering her job, she wasn't short on smarts either. She was interesting, well-read and independent, all the things Tessa liked in a woman. She didn't have time for sweet nothings or stupid jokes but Tessa didn't mind. She liked someone who gave her space but not too much and that someone just happened to be Jessie. Soon that like turned into love and before they knew it they were living together and leading a regular domestic life that would even make Jenny jealous.

For Jenny, meeting her significant other had meant Kevin Ryan. Tessa had met him a couple months after they had gotten together, going on a double date with the couple. She liked Kevin, she really did, but she was wary of him. He was a homicide detective and Tessa was worried that her friend would get hurt. She brushed it off, however, assuming they wouldn't be together for long. Jenny went through boyfriends faster than Tessa went through career ideas and Kevin hadn't exactly seemed like the best fit for her friend in that moment.

They'd surprised her though and she found the detective growing on her. Yes, maybe they were both a little too sweet with each other and yes, maybe they were both a little too dependent on the other but eventually Tessa had found herself liking them together. She'd never seen Jenny like this, so head over heels for someone. When they'd announced their engagement, Tessa had been the first to congratulate them.

She was happy for them and why wouldn't she be? Jenny and Kevin were two of the nicest people she had ever met and although she didn't know him well, she _did _know that he was funny and kind and really, truly loved her best friend. Anyone with eyes could see it and she wasn't about to stand in the way of their happiness due to one small misgiving she'd had in the beginning.

So she'd accepted maid of honour for the wedding and met all of Kevin's friends and stood next to her best friend as she married the man with the bluest eyes Tessa had ever seen; and honestly? She'd been happy to do it.

How was she supposed to know that those eyes would be her undoing?

**Love it? Hate it? PLEASE REVIEW! It would mean so much to me and mean more chapters for you. I'm sure that at least one person out there wants to see Ryan with an OC. If that's you, please tell me what you think. As I've said before, I have absolutely no idea where this plot bunny came from but it just kept jumping around in my head and I couldn't let it go. I'll post a new chapter as soon as possible but I will be much more motivated to if I get some reviews *wink, wink*.**

**Thanks!**

**~Liliana**


	3. Chapter 2

**New chapter! Thank you for the reviews everyone :) and special thanks to JJS4, who I dedicate this chapter to. You motivated me to continue so this chapter is for you. Just a note on the last chapter: if you feel like Jenny is a little OOC, I thought that she was probably a bit of a party girl before she met Kevin due to that picture of her in that pick up artist's ledger. Sorry if this doesn't work with your image of her. Anyways, without further ado we have the chapter explaining what happened to Jenny (kinda). Enjoy and please review!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle.**

Chapter 2:

It was a Saturday when it happened.

Tessa had since thanked God and every other holy being in existence a million times that it had been a Saturday and no other day of the week. Any other and Sarah Grace would've been lost as well. Tessa didn't think that she could've survived if it hadn't been a Saturday. Kevin most definitely wouldn't have.

The day had started off normally. Tessa had had no warning that her world would begin to end that day. She didn't know that everything would change.

No, back then it had simply been another Saturday.

She had woken up, kissed Jessie goodbye and headed over to Jenny's place. She remembered looking up at the sky in all its waking splendor and thinking that it was too lovely for the city. Too many times had Tessa brought herself back to that moment, the last time she remembered feeling completely and utterly at peace. She gave the sky one last glance before letting herself into her best friend's apartment, unaware of what the day would hold.

"Thanks for doing this," Jenny had said. She always said that and Tessa gave her the same smile as every other Saturday; a slow, kind grin that caused her eyes to crinkle around the edges.

"Of course," was her response. It always was.

So with a quick hug and peck on the cheek Jenny left. Just like that; gone.

Tessa had busied herself in the kitchen, cleaning up the dishes from that morning and the night before knowing that Jenny hadn't had time. She swept the floor and did laundry and changed the sheets like she did every Saturday. It was a routine, something that had become second nature.

Every Saturday Jenny went to see her mother and Tessa took care of her goddaughter, Sarah Grace. She cleaned the house and did chores in between spending time with the baby, knowing Jenny hadn't had time to do much since her daughter had been born. It was hard enough as it was to take care of an 8 month old, much less do all the housework too. It also didn't help that Sarah Grace's father was barely ever home. Tessa knew that Jenny needed some time to relax and that her friend would do the same for her if it was the other way around.

So Tessa vacuumed the living room and made food for later on in the week when Jenny wouldn't be able to and rocked Sarah Grace back to sleep in her crib when she woke up screaming and crying. It was just another Saturday.

By the time lunch rolled around, Tessa decided that she had been cooped up inside for too long and it was about time to go out.

"Let's go Baby Grace," she said as she picked up the tiny girl and placed a little hat on her head. It was sunny out; the kind of day that wasn't too warm or too cold. It was the perfect weather, the sort that nothing bad could happen in. Nothing bad was _supposed_ to happen.

After walking for a few block pushing Sarah Grace in a stroller, Tessa decided to pop into the nearest store for a few groceries that the Ryans seemed to be needing. Jenny had mentioned to her that she rarely had time to go shopping any more since the only time Sarah Grace was calm enough to enter a store was the time when Jenny was too tired to go anywhere.

It was only after Tessa had taken the baby home and unpacked all the groceries that it happened.

She had just closed the cupboard when there was a knock on the door. Tessa expertly balanced her godchild on her hip as she went to open the door, dread filling her stomach as she saw who was on the other side.

"Yes?" she asked, eyeing the man in the police uniform with a grim look on his face.

His next words stole the breath from her lungs and stripped her of all feeling.

"I'm sorry," he said but she didn't hear it.

"No," she whispered with a shake of her head.

She vaguely remembered stumbling out of the apartment and hailing a taxi. She wasn't sure if she'd turned off the lights or locked the door; things her mind kept fixating on as she sat in the cab, Sarah Grace on her knee. She didn't remember asking the driver to take her anywhere but when she ended up in front of the precinct, she didn't hesitate.

She left the cab, throwing some money at the driver without checking how much it was and ran into the building.

Tessa remembered thinking about incredibly trivial things in the elevator on the way up to her desired floor; what would Kevin do with such a big bed and who would she make cinnamon cookies for anymore? Jenny was the only one who liked them.

The ding of the elevator pulled Tessa out of her thoughts as the door opened. Everything seemed so slow, like everyone was walking through molasses. If there was sound, she couldn't hear it.

She walked out of the elevator in a daze; her feet taking her in the direction she wanted to go before her mind had even processed it. The only thing she could feel was the small body pressed against her, the heartbeat of the baby burning into her ribs as she held the child against her chest.

She saw him before he saw her. He was arguing with an officer in uniform, shaking his head, anger covering his features. He noticed her after a second but it might as well been years later. He stared at her, blue eyes slowing filling with understanding as he stepped away from the officer, defeated.

There's a strange sort of bond shared between two people whose worlds are crashing down around them. For a moment they were connected in their tragedy, their pain no longer their own but something shared wordlessly.

He gave Tessa a look she'd never forget; a look she must've been mirroring. The emptiness in his eyes, the pure disbelieving grief, had the same effect on her as it did him.

In seeing each other they'd both confirmed their deepest fears. For a moment they were the only two people in the world as their eyes met, pale grey on bright blue; completely different in colour but the same in the emotions they held.

Suddenly the world was alive again and it was too much. All the sound came rushing back and there was feeling once more. Everything was moving too fast for Tessa. Nothing should've been moving. Not without her best friend. The world was supposed to stop.

Tessa wasn't sure who said the words; if it was her or him or someone else. Tessa wasn't sure of anything anymore. This wasn't real, nothing was; nothing _could _be. It couldn't.

But here she was and everything in Kevin's eyes told her it must be.

"Jenny's dead."

**Love it? Hate it? PLEASE REVIEW! It would mean a lot to me and mean more chapters for you. Tell me what you think! I'm not 100% pleased with this chapter but I didn't know how else to write it so I'm sorry if it's confusing or weird. Anyways, I hope you liked it and please review!**

**Thanks!**

**~Liliana**


	4. Chapter 3

**Hello everyone, I'm back! I'm sorry I was gone for so long. I was hit by an unexpected wave of assignments, friends leaving and someone I care about very deeply being in the hospital. I also wasn't sure how to write this next chapter but I finally managed to fashion it in a way that wasn't completely horrible. Please tell me what you think and I'm so so sorry for disappearing; I promise it was unintentional. **

**PS I will probably be able to write more often now that things have settled down so please take that as my apology.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle.**

Chapter 3:

It was at least week before Tessa spoke to anyone other than Sarah Grace. She wouldn't leave Jenny's apartment, wouldn't allow herself to step into the outside world. She was hidden. Tessa wasn't even sure if Jessie knew where she was.

It wasn't like it mattered anyways. Nothing mattered anymore. Jenny was gone and Tessa had gotten the short end of the stick. She didn't really have time to grieve, didn't really have time to slip into the sadness that would've consumed her if she'd let it. She had to take care of the baby. In the apartment she could take care of the baby. In the apartment she could take care of herself. Outside she couldn't take care of anyone.

It was just too much; all the people, all the places. Everything would act as some sort of reminder of Jenny. Hell, even inside everything was a reminder of her best friend but at least she could control that. At least she could use it to pretend as if everything were fine. If she left she would have to deal with a stab of pain in her heart every time she passed a bench Jenny had loved to sit on or a café Jenny had liked to frequent. Tessa doubted she would be able to go on if she stepped outside.

No, inside she could take time to think, to understand, to mourn. She needed to be close to everything her best friend loved, needed to smell her scent in the room and see her handwriting on the fridge. If she stayed there, away from the world, then it was like nothing had ever happened. Jenny would come home and everything would be normal again.

If she left she would have to face the fact that her best friend was dead. Not only that but she would have to deal with everyone; with all the pitying looks, with all the "my condolences", with all the pats on the back as if that would make anything better. They said it was a car accident, as if it being an accident changed anything.

No, if she left she would break and she didn't know if she would be able to put herself back together.

Anyway it wasn't as if she _could _leave.

Kevin didn't come home for 3 days. When he finally did, he was so quiet Tessa didn't even notice. She assumed he must've come in the night to get some of his things. He was gone again by morning, the only indication of him having been there being a note on the counter and some empty drawers.

Upon discovering the note anger bubbled up inside Tessa, the first real emotion she had felt in days. Kevin had left his child alone, had deserted his home and didn't even have the decency to stick around once he'd come back. The nerve of that man! But even as her anger had flared, it subsided, knowing that it was misplaced. She couldn't begin to comprehend what Kevin must've been feeling. It was one thing to lose your best friend. It was a completely different thing to lose your wife.

Tessa understood that he didn't work like she did. She needed to spend time alone amongst all her memories of Jenny. She needed to be near everything her best friend had loved as some sort of comfort. Staying in Jenny's apartment, taking care of Jenny's baby, sleeping in Jenny's bed, it was almost therapeutic for Tessa. For Kevin it was just a reminder of the home he had built with someone who was no longer around. His child wasn't just his child anymore but a child who would never have a mother. Everything was a token of the life he had had before it had been destroyed and he couldn't cope.

By the time Tessa actually read the note, her anger was nonexistent. It only said two words, a simple "I'm sorry", but it was enough for her to forgive him.

After all, she wasn't the only one who had lost everything that day. If there was anyone who's grief matched Tessa's, it was Kevin.

**Love it? Hate it? PLEASE REVIEW! It would mean a ton to me and I really love hearing what you guys think. It will also mean another update for you, so please do it :)**

**Thank you and sorry again for being gone for so long,**

**~Liliana**


	5. Chapter 4

**Hey everyone! I'm back! I'm so sorry I didn't update sooner, I just had some writer's block on this chapter and ended up getting a new job that has been taking up a ton of my time. Hopefully the next chapter will come sooner :) Until then, please enjoy this one and I'm sorry that it's not great and has a lack of Kevin in it. I think the next one should have more of him (no promises though). Anyways, thanks to GrayBlueEyedBelle, who was the only one who reviewed the last chapter. This one is dedicated to you :) Enjoy!  
**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle, and as I apparently forgot to mention in the prologue but this goes for the whole story, I do not own the song Jessie's Girl by Rick Springfield, who's song name I am only currently borrowing and from whom no content has been taken.**

Chapter 4:

Jessie had found her.

"Where have you been?" she had nearly screamed when Tessa opened the door, startling the other woman so badly that she dropped the bowl she had been drying, causing it to shatter on the ground.

"I've been here," Tessa replied quietly, raising her eyes to meet Jessie's as the dark haired beauty stormed in. Her voice was croaky and soft as if it hadn't been used in years.

"A week!" Jessie yelled as she began to pace the room. "A full week without any contact! You just up and left! I didn't know what happened! I didn't know if you'd been kidnapped, if you'd run off with some other woman; I didn't know if you were dead!"

Tessa felt a wave of emotion overcome her as she nodded, tears filling her eyes. She felt awful, she really did, but it was more than that. Maybe she wasn't ready to face anyone just yet or maybe it was that she had barely slept since Jenny's death. Nightmares and Sarah Grace kept her up constantly and she probably looked just as tired as she felt. She tried to recall when she'd last eaten or showered or even changed clothes but her mind came up with a blank. For the first time in ages she looked down and saw that she was wearing the same clothes she had left the house with on Saturday. She assumed that she had eaten something since then or else she wouldn't be standing upright but she couldn't quite remember when or what.

Tessa finally understood Jenny's constant exhaustion. Taking care of a child was time consuming and difficult and Tessa wasn't even sure if she as doing a good job. It was one thing to take care of a baby once a week but 24/7? That was a lot harder. Tessa wasn't ready to be a mother; she wasn't ready to have a family.

That's what had happened, Tessa realized, whether she liked it or not. She was a mother now; a temporary mother perhaps, a stand in mother, but still a mother.

She opened her mouth, meaning to explain everything, meaning to tell Jessie all that had happened, all the reasons that she couldn't go home but instead all that came out was, "Jessie, the baby's sleeping."

The other woman stared at her, open mouthed, before turning and leaving, slamming the door behind her.

Tessa sighed as she heard Sarah Grace starting to cry in the next room. She stepped over the pieces of broken ceramic on the floor and went to the comfort the child, picking her up and doing her best to calm her.

Somewhere over the course of the last week Sarah Grace's room had become Tessa's as well. She hadn't stepped foot in Kevin and Jenny's room, instead sleeping on the small bed next to the crib. Jenny had slept in that very bed on many nights, Tessa's knew it. Her scent still lingered in the sheets, the only place where Tessa hadn't changed the bedding on Saturday.

This was Jenny's bed, Jenny's child, Jenny's space. It was the only thing that comforted Tessa on the long nights staying up with her goddaughter. The Jenny that had slept here was_ her_ Jenny. Kevin's Jenny slept in the master bedroom with him, a room that Tessa had steered clear of. Kevin's Jenny had lived with him, been his. The Jenny that had slept in this room was alone; the way she had been before she'd met Kevin. Here in the darkness of Sarah Grace's room Jenny went back to her former self, to the basics of her existence; Tessa's Jenny.

Once Tessa had gotten Sarah Grace to go back to sleep she went back to the hallway to clean up the bowl she had dropped when Jessie had barged in.

She sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose as begun her work, thinking about what she'd done. Jessie was one of the most level headed people Tessa knew. She rarely got angry, usually being the voice of reason. Tessa sighed once more, knowing this was her fault. Jessie only got angry when she was scared and Jessie only got scared when she truly cared.

So Tessa took it upon herself to be the one to patch things up. She waited a day for Jessie to cool off and to think about what she would say. She had a speech planned with a grand apology at the end. She knew what she was going to say, knew what she would do.

She was going to ask Jessie to stay with her in the Ryans home if she wanted, just for a few weeks until Kevin got back on his feet. She was going to remind Jessie how much she loved her, remind her that she would never do this to her unless absolutely necessary. She was going to make sure that everything went back to the way it was. She knew that Jessie would want that. If Tessa couldn't do that then she might lose Jessie too and that was something Tessa couldn't handle. She needed Jessie. Without Jessie there would be no one.

So Tessa thought hard about everything she would say and she called Jessie, asking her over the next day. She knew what would happen, knew how everything would go. It was all planned.

And yet, when Jessie arrived, striding into Tessa's best friend's apartment as if nothing was wrong, the speech went out the window. Everything went out the window; all Tessa's carefully planned words, all her expertly feigned composure, all the so called "progress" that she had made in the past week.

Everything broke as Jessie walked in, finally shattering the illusion that Tessa had conjured for herself. The illusion that everything would be okay, that Jenny would return, that the world could just go back to the way it had been a week ago.

She supposed that she had felt it as soon as Jessie had entered Jenny's home the first time. Her world had shattered with the bowl she had dropped, even if she hadn't realised it at the moment. Now she understood what she had been feeling over the last day and a half.

It had been the feeling of becoming real again, of living in the world once more, and hence, the feeling of breaking, the feeling of dying.

Facing Jessie, with her best friend's baby on her hip; the baby that had somehow come into her care, the baby who had lost, not only her mother, but her father as well, a week before, Tessa forgot all her grand explanations and planned apologies.

All she could bring herself to say was, "Jenny's dead," the words causing the last bits of Tessa's illusion to disappear completely, the weight of what she had just said hitting her in all its force.

It was the first time she had said it aloud since the accident, making everything feel all too real and all too painful.

She knew that her words weren't exactly true, not really. Not the whole truth at least. Yes, Jenny had been killed in that car crash a week before but she hadn't been the only one that died that day.

No, the world had lost Jenny Ryan the week before but not just her. It had been obvious to Tessa that Kevin had died as much as Jenny had last Saturday, although she hadn't really seen him since the accident. What suddenly became clear to Tessa now, with her girlfriend staring at her in shock and her goddaughter in her arms, was that the world had lost another that afternoon.

Jenny Ryan had stolen the lives of _two_ that day; the two people that had loved her most.

Perhaps they were breathing but neither Kevin nor Tessa were alive.

**Love it? Hate it? PLEASE REVIEW! Reviews mean the world to me and really help me have motivation to continue my stories. Reviews mean more chapters for you as well. I hope you liked the chapter but let me know! Any thoughts or feedback are appreciated so just drop me a review to tell me what you think. What's going to happen next? Will Kevin ever return? What do you think? **

**Thanks,**

**~Liliana**


	6. Chapter 5

**Hey everyone! I feel so bad because I keep disappearing but things keep coming up, from school to going on trips to just plain old writer's block. I have to say I'm not very satisfied with this chapter or it's content so I'm sorry for that in advance. I hope you all stay with me long enough for me to put up the next few chapters (whenever that may be) in which the ball will really get rolling and there will be a ton more Tessa/Kevin interaction. I felt as if everyone deserved an update so I'm posting this despite my doubts on my current writing ability but I can promise that the next one will be better (or at least I really hope it will be).  
**

**Anyway, enough of my ranting. This chapter is dedicated to anyone who reviewed the last chapter, particularly BrookeErinMelton who's review was very kind and of a good length. I can't remember if I PMed you or not but I thought I'd just let everyone know that yes, this is a romantic fic with Kevin and an OC. Now, without further ado, enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle.**

Chapter 5:

Tessa was alone.

Jessie had been called away on an urgent case in LA; a high profile murder in which she had been asked for by name. It would take at least a few months, probably closer to a year with Jessie only being able to come back to New York a couple times during that period. She would come home when she could, would make sure Tessa was alright when she had time, but she had had to go.

Tessa wasn't mad. In fact, Tessa felt nothing. Jessie was leaving and Tessa felt nothing. Maybe she should've felt bad about feeling nothing but, as earlier stated, she felt nothing. She wasn't exactly sure where this new found numbness had come from but she wasn't complaining. Numbness protected her from pain. It was a shield against the broken world she was currently living in. Tessa found that if she didn't think about Jessie, she didn't even realize she was gone.

Jessie had come to visit her before she'd left, bringing Tessa her things and letting her know that she was going to rent out their apartment while she was away. Tessa should've felt more surprised, felt more _anything_ at that but she had simply nodded. Jessie told her that Tessa would receive the money from the renter to support herself and the child.

"I'm so sorry," Jessie had said, taking her girlfriend's hand as they sat in the Ryan's living room. "I'm so, so sorry."

"It's not your fault," Tessa had replied, not sure if the other woman was talking about Jenny or having to leave. Whichever she had meant, it wasn't up to her. Tessa didn't blame her. She found she couldn't. Jessie was nothing but kind and understanding towards the whole situation, better than Tessa ever expected her to be.

Perhaps that's why Tessa felt nothing at Jessie's departure. Perhaps she would've felt something had she been worried about Jessie's reaction to her situation or what effect it would have on their relationship. Perhaps she felt nothing because Jessie was the only stable thing in her life and she didn't need to worry about losing her. Either way, Tessa was glad she didn't have yet another thing to worry about. She didn't think she could handle it.

Jessie had prepared everything before she left a week later. Tessa wasn't sure how she did it. She had gotten the apartment ready for renting, had found a tenant, had went to the diner where Tessa worked and informed them of her resignation and situation and helped her move into the Ryan's apartment. Tessa knew she should've asked Kevin about all this first but he was nowhere to be found and Tessa knew she wasn't ready to face him just as much as he wasn't ready to face her.

So instead Tessa just moved in, just went about life as best she could and allowed Jessie to leave her alone once more.

Yes, she called every night to make sure that Tessa was alright and everything was going fine but Tessa felt distant from her in a way that had nothing to do with the states between them. She knew it didn't have to do with lack of love for the other woman or worry that Jessie had given up on her either but there was something different between them. Jessie obviously cared, acting entirely accommodating about the whole thing but Tessa also knew that it would be short lived. She appreciated how much Jessie was putting into making sure Tessa would be okay without her but she knew it would fade eventually.

Jessie wasn't an awful woman or unfeeling in anyway, she was just someone who was always moving forward. Tessa found she couldn't move forward. Moving forward meant leaving Jenny and Tessa wasn't ready for that.

Eventually Jessie's calls became less and less about Tessa's situation and checking up on her and more and more about what was currently happening in the case, in the world, in their relationship. She wasn't unsympathetic but she didn't dwell on the past. It seemed that that was all Tessa could do.

Maybe that's why she felt so alone.

* * *

A month passed since Jessie had left.

The more time Tessa spent with Sarah Grace, the more used to taking care of a baby she became, but being with her best friend's child still felt like swallowing broken glass. She wondered if it would ever get easier or if she was destined to feel this way for the rest of her life; alone and with her insides constantly feeling as if they were being pierced by something sharp.

She supposed that Kevin was picking up the mail since she never got any bills or taxes. She assumed he was paying the rent and everything else he could from afar, still too afraid to enter the apartment in which he had loved and lost so easily.

Tessa didn't blame him. She didn't have the energy to.

Perhaps that's where her numbness came from, she reasoned one day while washing dishes. Maybe she was just too tired. Being a mother was exhausting.

Yes, Tessa had finally found a way to shower and change clothes every so often and prepare meals for the both of them but she still had no time to herself, no time to get a good night's sleep, no time to focus on the sadness pooling in the bottom of her stomach. Her constant action might've been what was keeping her numb. Maybe that's what kept her from breaking completely.

That was Tessa's worst fear; breaking so completely, so totally that she could no longer take care of herself, much less take care of Sarah Grace. Tessa was all the baby had in the world, all she herself had. Sure, being with the baby girl hurt but being without her would hurt much more.

* * *

Eventually Tessa only knew how to be alone.

She only interacted with people when she needed to get groceries or the like. Her voice was rusty from disuse, her social skills weak from neglect, her feelings cold from lack of time spent on them.

She found that she was shielding herself by being alone. Tessa wasn't ready yet. For what, she didn't know, but she did know that now wasn't the time. She was afraid that it would never be the time.

That's why the knock at the door surprised her so much on a quiet Tuesday a month and a half after the accident. She had no one who would want to visit her save Jessie who was still in LA and in all her time in the Ryan's home no one had ever stopped by asking about the child.

The knock woke up Sarah Grace and caused her to start crying, making Tessa sigh and pick her up gently. She rocked her back and forth before perching the child on her hip and walking towards the door, wondering who in the world could be behind it.

When she opened it she nearly yelped in shock at the pair of bright blue eyes staring guiltily back at her but she allowed herself to simply whisper his name in surprise as a substitute.

"Kevin?" she asked in disbelief.

"I'm sorry," he told her, causing her to simply nod in astonishment and allow him inside the home he had left behind.

He turned to her then, his eyes sadder than Tessa had ever seen them and staring directly into her soul as he shook his head.

"I'm so sorry," he said again after a moment of silence and suddenly Tessa realized she wasn't alone anymore.

**Love it? Hate it? PLEASE REVIEW! I know it's not the best but Kevin is back now so the ball can get rolling. Shoot me a review to let me know what you thought and to give me more motivation to write the next chapter. More reviews mean more chapters for you guys!**

**Thanks for putting up with me and sorry about all this,**

**~Liliana**


	7. Chapter 6

**Hey everyone; I'm back! I'm so sorry for the long absence, I've been swamped. Here's a new chapter that honestly isn't great but is needed. After this there will be a lot more description and development of Kevin and Tessa's relationship, so I'm excited for that. I hope you all forgive me for being away and I also hope you all enjoy!  
**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle.**

Chapter 6:

Tessa didn't cry. At least, not for the whole first two weeks that she and Kevin lived together.

It was awkward; very awkward.

It turned out Kevin had been living with his partner, Javier, since he heard the news; too distressed to return to the home he had shared with the woman he loved. He had known Tessa would be there, had checked up and covered the bills, but had been unable to really come back to his own apartment, to his own family.

Tessa understood. It was hard enough for her to look after the little girl. How would she feel if Sarah Grace was her own daughter? She might've not even been able to come home.

Moving in had been odd for both of them, even though this was really Kevin's home in the first place. They usually avoided each other, each keeping to themselves. Kevin worked a lot; too much really. Probably so he wouldn't have to come home. He provided for them and Tessa took care of the baby, knowing that if she didn't, nobody else would.

The few times they actually did end up talking, it was stiff and uncomfortable. They made chatted about the weather and groceries at the dinner table, the one or two times that Kevin was actually there during supper. They muttered apologies as they bumped into each other in the small hallway that connected the bedrooms and they worked out a schedule for the bathroom. Tessa didn't call him to ask when he'd be home and he didn't text her to see what she needed from the store. He wouldn't look in Sarah Grace's direction and Tessa would keep quiet, knowing it wasn't her place.

Or at least, she usually did.

It was on the third Sunday they had been living together that Tessa finally broke.

It was all too much. The baby, the life, the lack of human contact; it was driving her insane but most of all, Kevin was. He was never home, never there for his own child. What did it matter if he lived with them if he never showed up? What did it matter if he was Sarah Grace's legal parent if he couldn't actually be a father to her? What did any of it matter?

"I'm going to see Javi," Kevin informed her, grabbing his jacket while saying what would probably be his only words to her all day.

It was then that something shattered inside of Tessa, it's debris splintering and scattering; hitting her behind the eyes making her tear up and striking her heart in such a way that it felt like it was bleeding.

"You're a coward."

The words were out of her mouth before she even knew what she was saying, her voice quiet and full of emotion.

"You're a coward and it's destroying everything," She continued as Kevin turned to look at her in surprise. "You have a responsibility; to this family, to Sarah Grace and you're ignoring it, using excuses to cover up the fact that you can't stand the sight of your own daughter. You're at the precinct nearly 24/7 and when you're not, you're with Javier. Sooner or later you'll work yourself to death! I'm starting to think that's what you want."

"Tessa-" Kevin began, reaching out to her but she backed away, shaking him off.

"No. Don't you 'Tessa' me. You need to get it together Kevin. I know this is hard. Trust me, I know. How do you think I feel? But I'm still here. I'm still alive, still doing my best to take care of a child that isn't even mine because you can't even look at anything that reminds you of Jenny. I quit my job, I left my life and I have never ever felt more alone but I'm still here. It's time you start being here as well. Sarah Grace needs you." Her voice broke. "I need you. But I can't do this alone. I've tried. I've tried to take care of her on my own. I've tried to be strong for both of you. I've _tried_ but I _can't_. You need to be a father to your daughter. You need to be an ally to me. You don't have to like me, you don't have to even want to be near me but we are raising this child together, whether you like it or not. We don't have a choice. So please, please, please stop leaving. Please take care of your girl. If you can't, no one else will."

Kevin stared at her, tears in his eyes as Tessa whispered her last words.

"This isn't what Jenny would've wanted."

And then, for the first time in weeks, Tessa allowed herself to cry.

**Love it? Hate it? PLEASE REVIEW! More reviews mean more chapters for you and it means a ton to me. I hope you liked it! Tell me what you think of the chapter and what you think should happen next. As always, I will try to update sooner but it really depends on my schedule. Anyways, I will never abandon this story and I hope you all liked it. Let me know what you think!**

**Thanks,**

**~Liliana**


	8. Chapter 7

**Hey guys, this chapter is really short but necessary for me to be able to write things the way I want to in later chapters. Hopefully you enjoy it anyway!  
**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle.**

Chapter 7:

Things changed after Tessa broke down. For one thing, Kevin was present; in her life and in Sarah Grace's. They didn't talk much for the first few days, Tessa just glad he was making an effort with his own child. She knew everything wouldn't just get fixed overnight, she wasn't stupid, but every step towards something better was progress.

And then, eventually, Kevin _did_ begin to talk to Tessa. It was gradual, so slow that Tessa didn't even notice until a week had passed and she and the man her best friend had loved were having an actual conversation in the kitchen while making dinner. It wasn't forced or even consciously hard, it was simply natural. For a single moment everything felt normal as Kevin told her they needed more vegetables while he chopped carrots and Tessa salted the beef.

By all rights, it shouldn't have worked. Two broken people in a confined space? That was a recipe for disaster, a ticking time bomb. They should've destroyed each other in their grief, shattered one another in their tragedy. They were supposed to spiral into empty darkness. They weren't supposed to find the light.

But for whatever reason, it did work. They leaned on each other. They were the only people who could really understand each other after it happened. Javi didn't know what Kevin was feeling, Jessie couldn't comprehend Tessa's pain. Their bond grew in their misery, strengthening until they could rely on each other and start to piece themselves back together again.

It took time, of course, but by the time a month had passed, Tessa and Kevin were both in better places and much more at ease with each other.

It wasn't all good, however. It seemed that every time the two took a step forward, they took two backwards. A week after their argument, Kevin couldn't get out of bed, despite seeming much brighter and lively the day before. Two weeks in and Kevin found Tessa in the living room at 2 am clutching a teddy bear that had belonged to Jenny, tears silently running down her cheeks. Three weeks and Kevin was yelling at no one in particular, throwing his wedding china at the wall. Four weeks and Tessa stared off into the distance for an entire day.

To put it simply, both of the adults that lived in that apartment were still a mess; an inconsolable, angry, grief-stricken, guilty mess, but at least they were messes together.

**Love it? Hate it? PLEASE REVIEW! Reviews mean the world to me and mean more chapters for you. I know it's short but now I think I can finally get the ball rolling the way I want it to. Tell me what you think!**

**Thanks,**

**~Liliana**


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